I don’t know about you, but no one told me when I was a kid just quite how much being an adult would suck. It was always sold to me as being an exciting thing; something to look forward to. “Being an adult is great!” They would say. “You can be free and do whatever you want!” They repeated. Oh what lies they told me. I thought I might share with you a few of the things that make being an adult a bit rubbish.
1 – Jobs
You have to get a job to get money. No one ever explained that to me. I thought I could “be free and do what I wanted.” No. You have to get a job, sometimes lots of jobs to get money. You have to take the shit jobs, selling credit cards, working in a factory, or a local supermarket to get money. You might be one of the very few people lucky enough to find a job that they like, but this is as rare as a nun in Magaluf. You will probably flit from job to job in the endless hope of finding something you like, only to be disappointed with each new venture, dragging yourself to each pay day.
2 – Money
Once you have a job, the money you make will be spent on essential items. When I say essential items, I mean just that. Rent, food, bills, running a car, and wine. Wine is an essential item for an adult, well, some adults. The money you make may stretch to a holiday that will give you a little respite from your mundane job.
3 – Bills
Not only do you have to pay bills with the pittance you earn from your shit job, but you also have to organise the bills. You actually have to decide whether one company deserves your money more than another and whether each company will benefit you. It’s not as simple as paying out a certain amount each month. You will have to make decisions. They’re not fun decisions like which celebrity you’d rather sleep with. They are dull and boring decisions that will take up your precious free time.
4 – Free time
As you will spend most of your waking life in your rubbish job, earning a pittance to pay the dull and boring bills, you will have very little free time. You know all those days you wasted as a kid lying in a meadow telling the time with dandelions? You won’t get to do that any more. In fact, you will live for the weekends when you don’t have to work, only to be too tired to do anything fun. You will drink copious amounts of wine after work on a Friday and that necessary action will eat in to your free time the next day.
5 – Hangovers
Yea, I definitely wasn’t told about any of that. The necessary act of drinking copious amounts of wine after work on a Friday will cause you ridiculous amounts of pain and self loathing the following day, and maybe even the day after that. You might have flashbacks to stupid things you said or did. Your mouth will feel as though you’ve not only rubbed it with sandpaper, but eaten the sandpaper too. You will crave disgusting greasy foods that your body will not thank you for. You will be unable to move very much at all and your weekends will be spent binge watching Netflix in a desperate attempt to feel normal.
6 – Health
Again, I wasn’t really told about the impact being an adult would have on my health. This is a crazy one and really does blow my mind. Being an adult causes a decline in your health! I know right? It’s one of the big ones and really does have me questioning why we ever become adults. I don’t want to go in to this one too much because there really is way to much to say about it, so I’ll summarise for you. You’ll get fat, have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, get wrinkly skin, saggy parts, loss of eyesight, possibly hair loss, and you will probably actually die! I’ve said too much already.
7 – Dreams
Again, another biggie really. Remember how as a kid you wanted to be an astronaut/clown/racing driver/time traveller/doctor/fire fighter/vet/Olympic athlete? Well, and here’s the cold hard truth: You can’t be those things! Well, you could possibly be one of them but never all of them. Never. Every single one of those adults that told you “You can be whatever you want to be”, were lying to you. They were building you up only for reality to smash you right back down when you grew up. It’s shocking, I know.
So, next time you think about telling a kid that being an adult is bloody great, think again. It’s rubbish. Well, apart from having a dog. I was never allowed one as a kid. I got one as an adult. It’s pretty cool. Oh, and decorating your own house can be fun. You can put stickers all over the walls if you want to. You can also leave the dinner table without finishing, and have pudding if you didn’t eat your broccoli. You know what, you don’t even have to eat broccoli. You can also buy stuff that you couldn’t as a kid. Not only can you buy as much beer or wine as you want, you can also buy fireworks (if your pittance of a wage allows you). You can stay up until dawn if you’ve booked a day off work which you’re actually allowed to do as an adult. In fact, it’s encouraged. You can get tattoos and piercings and dye your hair. You can cook your favourite dinner any night of the week. You can play your music as loud as you choose too and throw a party when you feel like it. You can pop to the pub for a few beers on a Sunday and mess about with your mates without asking permission. You can sleep in on a Sunday without someone shouting “You can’t waste the whole day in bed” because you actually can. Okay, okay, there are some pretty good perks of being an adult. Would I swap it all for being a kid again? I don’t know, I just don’t know. Would you???